My Sweet Distraction.

Yes, i will call you that.

Because out of the blue you came back.  You said it’s been ten years since the last.  I just smiled because I never counted.

I had moved on from the last time and I clearly remembered that the friend, Anne, informed me that you are with another.  I just brushed it off.

Because I know time is not our friend.

But do  you know that you are the person i usually think about when they ask me if i have “the one who got away?”.  Yes, you are that to me.

And how surprised I am (and elated!) when you sent me a message.  And that day, you never retreated until I agreed to have coffee with you which actually became dinner and a coffee.  You are a pleasant surprise.

And the lunch the following day!  It’s as if we never have ten years between us!

I love to see you smile.  Then with your braces and how you just give the most childlike and quirkiest smile I’ve seen.  I still love to see it now, without the braces, but still with that quirk (iest) smile but now with a more mature look in it.

I love how your eyes lit up when you see me, as if it is always the first time!

I love our exchange of messages.  I know it’s you who made me answer “yep” and call someone “ei”.  And I really don’t know why but I love that.  It seems we have this connection that is ours and ours alone.

And I am writing now, with a smile on my face.  And i know that this is good.

But.catch

Will you stay? And continue to paint my life with new colors?

Or,

Will you just be that – my oh sweet distraction?

L stands for Love; it can mean Loneliness too…

It comes in the night, slowly sitting beside you in the dark.  Worst, it sometimes steals sleep and lies beside you all through the night until the morning sets in.  It sometimes sits beside you during dinner, sometimes even making silent conversations, until you feel it staring and judging and then finally realizing that the tears are already forming a pool on the edge of the table.

That’s loneliness for me.

ADD missing someone like the ex.  Equals deadly.

It is on these times that I pull my strongest will.  I put away my mobile phone where I can easily send a text message or an email to him.  I distract myself – pray, watch tv, read, exercise, eat, sleep, go out, call another friend, pray again, watch tv, read, sleep, go out, pray again – and do anything – anything, just so I will not backslide.  It is damn hard but when I go back to the day when he told me it is over and he doesn’t want me in his life anymore, I snap back.image

I wouldn’t let my being alone (and sometimes being lonely) crack me and bring me back to Day One (again) especially that I have slowly moved away from him, from the worst feeling he made me feel.

And when I feel loneliness is winning over me, I just remind myself that he broke my heart.  And that’s the best reason to kick loneliness out!

Status: Single.

I am sending this to the universe again. And yeah, I’ll just be happily single until the universe conspires that we meet at the right time.

uNswEetenEd muSinGs

It never occurred to me I’ll be in this situation.  I sometimes asked myself if I am the only one, at this age, to question why.  I know friends and officemates who at 30++ are still single and unattached, either by choice or not.  Mine is partly by choice when I decided I give my heart a break.  I gave myself two years to just play it cool and be happily single. I did – living and taking charge of myself and my life.  I travelled, shopped, worked hard and minded my own business.  But this year I planned to be on the field again and decided I can take on relationship risks again.

It’s almost end of the year now and not a single date.  I never even had a brush of a potential bf material or worse than that, I never met anyone interesting.  I often asked myself…

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No one loses in Love…

Especially that I came from a failed relationship, I tend to veer into the fear of going through the motion again.

Meet.

Date.

Dive into.

And always, there’s a 50-50 chance of making it to forever or to forever heartbreak.

It is damn hard to find a man who values committed relationships and has high regard to family and God.  Adding honesty and trust (and sense of humor and good conversationalist etc depending on your non-negotiables)  to these, there may only be one in a hundred or worst in a thousand.  Either these men doesn’t exist or already taken by lucky ladies.

But my dear friend told me not to lose hope.  And not to give up on love.

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Well, I am a person with positive attitude, seeing the glass always half full.  And with the new scar that will remind me of the past relationship, I know I will try again.

I will conquer the fear that comes with loving.  Because Love will conquer Fear.

And no one loses in loving.

The past(s) came knocking today…

Me:  Busy – Work. Travel.  Movie Dates. Shopping. Yoga. Dinner.  Friends. Family.

Someone from the Past1.  I learned a thing that someone from the past screwed it already.  That’s barely five months when I even gave it until December.  Karma, karma, karma.  It truly works!  And it works so fast I call it digital karma.

past_calling

Someone from the Past2.  I got an FB invite from a guy using his second account using a name I am not stupid to decipher.  Hey Jerk, I know your first account where our common friends are on your list.  I don’t want to think anything bad but I can’t help it.  Why don’t you invite me using your legitimate account?  No, this kind of invite never makes it on my FB friends list.

And my door sign will say :  Close for today, try again tomorrow.

Before Midnight ends…

And just like the first two, I blurted out “shoot, that’s it! that’s the end?!” when the credits came rolling in.  I guess for one and a half hour, I was so immersed into Jesse and Celine’s life and their long walk conversations, the hours passed so quickly.image

Their talks about soul mate, long distance relationships, of being married for 74 years, of changing something with your partner, of passing by here on earth, of compromise, of being a father from afar, of acceptance and of loving unconditionally, were very interesting I smiled, nodded, disagreed on my mind, got me confused and made me think even more.

I know I sucked at relationships but I know that for anyone who’s married, contemplating marriage and those who are planning to enter into a committed relationship, this is a must-watch movie .  Warning though to those who didn’t see the first two and those who doesn’t like “long conversations”, this might be a bore.

But for like us who waited nine years to see how these two will end after they connected on the train 18 years ago, it is a bittersweet ending. I will surely miss these two.

But if it will take another nine years for its sequel, I’ll be willing to wait.

Whatever color…Whatever shape…

In the midst of an errand this morning I began to ask myself why I am there since it is a “man thing”.  The thoughts are going to where I question and ask where is the man that should be doing this for me.

But right there, I snapped and told myself, “nah, you can do this girl!  You don’t need a man to do this for you”.

And so I braved the morning activity with my three inch wedge walking from window to window until I was handed what I came for.
And yeah, I breezed it through.  This is one of the times when you tell yourself ” I am a Wonder Woman”!

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Check.

Dear Universe,

Now I am good.  Happy even!

And so I am putting a check on the ever-important box on that corner called LOVE.  I am ready so bring it on!

Thank you.

 

PS.  Remember I once told you that I lost my heart?  Well, I finally found it – it’s pink and it has stripes!  How cool is that?pink and stripes

 

Love,

Mhy