It found its way on a cold December night. Conversation was light and simple. Friends are slowly easing their way out to catch a free concert at the plaza. I stayed comfortably seated on the sofa.
Conversations with her was light. We talked of how spending the holidays at a foreign land gives a different meaning of being away, of being lonely.
My phone buzzed.
I asked how she’s coping and if it eased up after spending five years away from home. She smiled and said that friends acting as families helps. She added that skype and whatsApp too. She smiled.
I pressed cancel on my phone when it started to ring.
I smiled and in that instant I know I want to kiss her. And I did.
My phone started buzzing again.
Above was the beginning of their love story. Maybe I am biased since I was at the other end.
I was the person calling him. Disturbing him at that exact moment when he decided that ours was not worthy to be kept. He kissed her while we are together.
Being cheated was the worst. Being devastated didn’t come close. It was death while trying to live.
Forward to today. I learned that they are happy. A baby is added.
There was a twinge. I breathed out so that I can breathe normally. I remembered it again. The pain. And how I survived.
And then came the wish I had for him. That if not me, then I hope she is. His true love.
After posting this on FB, a friend asked me if I already found My happy.
And without hesitation I told her I already have and enumerated the following to be.
1. Coffee. 2. Omelettes 3. Coffee and omelettes by the beach 3. Sunsets 4. Good book 5. Reading on the couch 6. Wedges/ stilettos 7. Ballet flats. 8. Rainy days 9. Muffins 10. Touchdowns
She half-smiled. Or made a smirk I think. Maybe she didn’t expect the list to be so simple. Maybe she expects grand things to be included knowing that I am living more than okay now ( maybe by her standards because I know i am just living with what I have). Maybe she was expecting that a man or a romantic relationship is on top of the list.
Whatever she thinks I can’t do anything about it. These what makes me smile now. These are what makes my heart sing. Simple maybe but grand in the way I see and feel it.
Pay attention to your expectations, for they often hold clues about your deepest beliefs. If you “hope” that something good happens but you also worry that something bad will happen, you’re cancelling out one expectation with another. Try “knowing” that everything will work out for the best, regardless of any outer indications otherwise. Even though you really don’t “know” such a thing, CHOOSING to know will make it so!
#flowerdome #sg2014 #singapore
*wings from the heart
I had a hard time completing the task from The Magic by Rhonda Byrne last year. It requires me to think and write ten reasons to be thankful to persons who caused me pain or hurt me one way or the other. It was painfully hard that time as I just came from a painful ending of a relationship. The ultimate goal is not seeing or finger-pointing who is right or wrong. It is finding something beautiful despite the difficult situation so that negative feelings are magically healed and animosity is ultimately erased. One becomes healed and peace will come.
It was a hard task.
But it’s time. TODAY.
I have no idea how I finally arrived to today where I can honestly say that my heart and my mind are in complete unison. I can finally say “It is really okay now”. I had lied then. To my family, to friends, and of course to myself when I kept on answering “I’m okay” to their every question of “How are you”?. I had to do it. For their sake who loved me so much they push me to be okay. I don’t complain though. They have good intentions why they do this.
And so today, I can now list down ten or more things to thank the ex. The list I made is on a paper that I decided not to put on this space though.
It was a very compelling exercise as I look into my heart and write good things about him. A smile came across on some numbers. A sigh on some. But the most important thing is I had made the list. I can now truly reply “I am okay” to the every “How are you” I get.
And just like the movies, The End will now roll on the last page of this chapter.
And this is so good.
Where the pain, doubts, second-guessing, the low self-esteem went, I don’t know.
I guess it is true. Time has its own way of healing. The right time makes sure that everything is in perfect place, never collides with anything else to form a perfect harmony. And so with feelings. It is also true that they are just fleeting. It is never the same intensity as the first time. And like most that reaches a plateau, it spirals down. And this maybe good or bad depending on which side you’re on.
I went home late last night. No, I was not on a date just like everybody else being a Friday and Valentine’s day. I left the office late. Oh no, don’t pity me because I didn’t receive flowers or chocolates or I got no date on this day marked for those things.
I was feeling steady yesterday. Chillin’. No pressure. No bitterness. Not like last year’s when I dreaded it. But not yesterday.
It was an ordinary day for me but for every lady friend and colleague who received their bouquets and boxes of chocolates, I felt happy., I smiled every time I see that they received something from their other halves. It made me believe that if this day is very special to someone else’s, it can be for me too, someday.
My investment/insurance agent called me earlier yesterday and asked me where I’m headed tonight on a date (of course after her usual talk about how the market is good now and I should invest more etc etc). I replied “no date”. “Oh you must be picky, and your standards high” she said. I just laughed.
And it got me thinking. May be I am picky. My standards high.
Maybe that’s why the last one failed. It’s way too distant from the “standards” I set for myself. No, it isn’t a long list, not a complicated barometer, and he need not be a rocket scientist to check all the boxes. He just need to be a simple, happy man. Someone who’ll be my lobster, my other wing. Someone who’ll accept my moods and imperfections, my food diet, yoga practice, travel plans, future plans, my love for writing, reading, watching movies, and of course coffee.
Oh dang! That’s a long list. But not hard at all.
Whatever. Whatever. He’ll come. In time, when I AM READY.
Should I lower my standards? Should I not be picky? Especially that I am not that young anymore?
Nope. Why? Because I am just simply awesome.
If I have my way today, I will re-write the past, a specific portion of a couple years back. As they say, we are a sum of everything we’ve been through and that who we are today is because of what we’ve done and what we’ve decided then. This particular episode of my life, I am willing to let go. It only complicated my life. I am willing to pay for a pensieve (or willing to pay a wizard for this to manifest), so that the person, the memory and everything in between be taken out of my mind.
I shouldn’t have let you be in my life in the first place.
Mistake, you are. No explanation needed.
I’ll take all the blame for this stupid decision I made. For the last time, I’ll let the scar be a reminder of the inconsistencies, lies and betrayal which completes you.
Of course, the past can’t be re-written but I still choose to re-write the past today ( pensieve or not).
There I just did! Erasing every minute details my memory has of you.
You don’t exist now.