Thanking the unfaithful ex? Seriously?

Thanking the unfaithful ex?  Seriously?

How can you say thank you to someone who hurt and betrayed you? This is one of the hardest thing I will ever do while practicing the daily tasks of The Magic by Rhonda Byrne.

It is asking me to think and write down ten things I am grateful for for the ex, who two months ago decided that he has a changed of heart. That he already has someone else while we are still on.

I am trying so hard to move on, successful on some days not on other days. The betrayal creeps in and the questions are still hanging. So I really don’t know if I can think one good thing lest ten things.

The book explains that the practice is not about who is right or wrong and that finding a gold nugget even in a difficult relationship will magically heal oneself. The ultimate goal is when one don’t feel any bad feelings toward the other person anymore. So that one is healed and that peace will finally fill the void.

Oh, I really don’t know if i can. But I will try, for my healing, for myself.

Advertisements

24th of February

20130224-193821.jpg

A happy feeling dawned on me today. I feel happy and light. It seems the pain, the loneliness, the questions and the second guessing the heart and the mind has been entertaining and harboring for the past months just decided to leave.

Hhmm.. What’s with today?

Is it the universe? Or the heart just can’t bear it anymore, it’s time? Or the mind in all its power took control?

Whatever it is I am loving it. I am grateful for today. I am grateful for the universe, my heart and my mind.

(The photo is a re-post. Thank you to the original owner. It is now my mantra).

Under the shade but looking through the slivers of sunlight…

Snap. Back to earth Mhy. C’mon.  You can do it.

I’ve been saying that to myself over and over again.  It started yesterday when the memory of the betrayal kept creeping in again.  I thought I already singled it out on mind, carefully putting it on the small box of my mind with a label “warning: do not open, it may worsen and deepen the hurt he caused and will give you a bad day again”.  And yet I’m on it again.  My mind has been tricking me and reminding me over and over again to go to that (un)fateful Monday afternoon of January when I was told pointblank the he had a change of heart.  And that the days following passed by with no memory of what happened because the friend just told me that I had been staring at nothing most of the time and that I’ve not been touching  my food  and just live with coffee and water.  I am now wishing that I can do what they do in the Harry Potter movies where they take out memories out of their mind on a vial and keep it only to be opened thru the Pensieve when they are just ready to re-visit the memory again.  I wish I have that.  I can pay any amount just to have that.

Just last night while driving the tears fell again.  What’s with the 19th and 20th of February that I came crawling back to where I used to be – crying, over analyzing, over thinking, and asking too many questions I have no answer to.  Is it the moon?  Or I am just plain sliding back?  Or I am just dwelling on it and letting myself sink again.

Did I deny myself the process of taking the time to heal because I was in hurry to be okay again?  Am I really too weak to move on?  Or is too stubborn to really help myself to forget and accept the reality that it is over?

It is on these thoughts and questions that I need to cut and snap back.  For my own sake, for my own sanity.  Before I feel unworthy again, which would erupt hours of discussions and arguments with friends (and even with myself) why he is not worth any tears, any more time and any more space.

Snap.  Stop Mhy. Imagine your blue sky and blue sea.  The wind on your face.  The universe is working on your healing.  The starts aligning so that everything will be okay.  Let time be your friend and patience be your ally.  I go to this and some rays of the sun peeks on me.  And with every great effort I put a smile on my sad face.

Guimaras3. Guisi Lighthouse

Guimaras3.  Guisi Lighthouse

It was a long road trip but it never failed. If the way to the cross kept me enchanted, the lighthouse amidst the blue sky and the blue sea kept me mesmerized. Nature is really that beautiful. The light house already rusting and old still holds magnificence. It stands tall and brave.

I sat still. I bask in its beauty. Even said a prayer and a wish.

And if ever I feel confined, I will come back to this time, to this scene.

The blue sky and the blue sea. They met somewhere in between. And it is damn beautiful.

Photo by guen. She’s on the photo.

Guimaras2…Way up to the cross…

Guimaras2...Way up to the cross...

The trek to the cross might be steep and long. Even hard as the road is strewn with corals. Along the path are various trees, mostly old that gives an enchanting feeling. If you’re not careful, you might turn to an end road. Nearing the end, we stopped and bask in the blueness of the sea and sky. It feels that the sky is so near.

At the top, the wind blew. Soft and gentle. It’s always different when you see something at the top. It gives a different perspective to something you already knew or believe. We offered a prayer on the chapel before we left.

Photo by guen.

30 days after.

B,

One month today, you made a decision that changed it all.

On your end, it is the best decision as you will be at your happiest, so you say.  It will be a convenient, easy, no- complications situation.  I believe you want it to end that day and not hold it any longer.  Because you saw an opening.  You just put aside everything that was made and shared for the past 355 days and took a chance on what happened on that casual night.  You made me accept that this was the bravest thing you could do.  That you are risking and taking a chance for your happiness.

I had no choice that day.  I had to be brave in accepting your decision.  Because I know I can’t persuade you to change it anymore.  You never know what you put me through after that.

What I want you to know is that the shock has worn off, the pain, though, pops in from time to time, and the anger is now manageable.  But I am beginning to re-learn, to start over again.  It may take me some more days, even months but I have taken the first step and that’s what’s important.

For you at that time, your decision was the best ever.

For me at that time, it wasn’t.

But today, as early as it may seem, it is turning out to be that way too.  It is the BEST decision YOU ever MADE for ME.

People who knew about us made their point on me and put sense on my mind that ours is not to be listed on the “forever” list. Because it was damn complicated.  And you already gave up when we are still at the onset of untying the complications ours is made off.  What it is to fight for when giving up was your only solution?

Yes, I am better off without you.  For the countless reasons my mind knows and my heart is willing to let go.  I may be a bit broken now, but I know I am strong enough to believe that the fairy tale is true.

Will I wish you that too?  Not today.  Not yet.

S