Today is a Happy Sad Day.

Today is a Happy Sad Day.

Because I know I am ready to let go.

They say forgiveness comes silently, maybe in the night, like a thief and steal whatever anger, bitterness, second guessing and pain the heart and mind silently believes and holds. Maybe the forgiveness fairy (if there’s one) came and sprinkled some magic dust while I am sleeping and so this morning I woke up with a heavy heart but with a trace of smile on my face as I see a dash of that rainbow colored dust all over my body. Some seeped in to take away the negativity but some stayed on my skin to let me know that it is time.

It is very poignant to feel these emotions right now. Sad and happy. But I think I’ll take in all today. The combination of these feelings that may burst inside me, hurt me in the process, or heal me as I grasp with all intensity. This abstract of what I felt and what I am feeling – the happiness and sadness -, the learnings that I have to understand, the rules of the game that I have to accept, the decisions I had made, the friends who were there along the way, the values that I am not willing to compromise the next time, the person I am right now – is now ebb in every thread of my being and etched in the banks of my mind ready to remind me of what has been if ever I am faced with the same kind of circumstances (but not wishing to go thru another betrayal again). Oh no, not again.

I know, I may backslide and think and feel bad again but I now trust myself that I am now stronger to deal with it. Not dwell on it anymore. Not let myself be eaten by the same negative emotions I once felt. I know I will try my best not to be in the negative again. No, not try. I will.stonger

And with this sadness and happiness I am feeling right now, may the universe take me as I am – a little bit broken and tired, somewhat confused and perplexed but very hopeful and optimistic of the good and happy things to come. And maybe not just things. I am hoping for a someone too.

Today, April 26th, is a happy day.

Because I chose to forgive.

My calendar says its been 107 days when he told me it’s over.

Until now when I remember that moment, there still is a tiny bit of pain. Tiny is a good thing. And I know that given some more days, tiny will be a speck. And then someday soon, hopefully, no more of the pain. Nada. And I’ll smile because finally i’ll remember the good times, the good memories. And there’ll be no more bitterness and anger. The heart is finally free.

Because just like love, I chose to forgive.

Despite of… You don’t…

Girls are taught a lot of stuff growing up. If a guy punches you he likes you. Never try to trim your own bangs and someday you will meet a wonderful guy and get your very own happy ending. Every movie we see, every story we’re told implores us to wait for it, the third act twist, the unexpected declaration of love, the exception to the rule.

But sometimes we’re so focused on finding our happy ending we don’t learn how to read the signs. How to tell from the ones who want us and the ones who don’t, the ones who will stay and the ones who will leave. And maybe a happy ending doesn’t include a guy, maybe… it’s you, on your own, picking up the pieces and starting over, freeing yourself up for something better in the future. Maybe the happy ending is… just… moving on.

Or maybe the happy ending is this, knowing after all the unreturned phone calls, broken-hearts, through the blunders and misread signals, through all the pain and embarrassment you never gave up hope.

He’s Just Not That Into You

Tonight I Let the Tears Fall.

tears

I cried while I was driving tonight.

How can I stop the tears to fall?
How can I convince the heart to let go?
How can I convince the mind to accept?
And I still don’t understand why I am this?
Why am I still hurting? Is three months not enough?
More so, is the knowledge of his betrayal not enough reason?
To close the heart? To shut the mind?
And I hate myself when I still cry
Because of him.
They say time heals everything
To which I agree
And everything happens for a reason
To which I need to accept.
And whatever happy thoughts and quotes I put into my head
And positive feelings i ask the heart to feel
I still cry.
Maybe, just for tonight, I give in to crying.
Maybe it will do me good not to be strong tonight
And just feel the pain all over again

love isn’t… people are…

complicated

Complicated.

Maybe because we want everything to be perfect even those that we have no control of.

Maybe because we try hard to make everything work even if there are red flags and signs that says otherwise.

Maybe because we find the road not taken more interesting than the paved one.

Maybe because we find pleasure in complications and normal is boring.

And with all the maybe’s in our head, there’s no question that we are just that!

I am empty and this is good.

image

I may have an empty outline in the center of my heart right now but I can’t complain.

Because I know and believe that once I empty everything what’s left of the past, this outline will welcome every bit of love and happiness I know I well deserve. Slowly and surely, I am getting rid of the negativity and the bitterness. The scars may be etched forever but I know in time it will eventually ease up, heck, I may be lucky and it will disappear.

I am empty and hollow. But I know that someday soon I will be filled. With colors of the rainbow, with the sweetness of the red strawberries, with the coolness of the morning breeze, with the gentle waves of the blue sea.

And I will smile. Because the empty outline will be filled. And it is good. And again if I am lucky, I may call it love.

Trust.

Trust, big word... bigger responsibility

You choose to forgive. You choose to love.

That’s what the answer Laida*’s mom gave her when she asked her how she forgave her husband’s infidelity and gave him a second chance. Of course, it took a lot of time, a lot of second guessing, a lot of relationship adjustments and a lot lot of trust.

I read from somewhere that one of the issues a person has to go through after a betrayal is to learn to trust again – by trusting not the other person but ONEself. Trust is not about how much you trust the other person to do what’s right or wrong but it is a function of how much you trust yourself to have the strength and the capacity to accept their imperfections. It is putting faith in yourself that you are courageous enough to put yourself on the line. And until you don’t muster this courage, then don’t even think making a move.

And time- right time. Who would go against saying that time heals wounds, broken relationships and hearts? That time tempers emotions? That it eases up anger, arguments and doubts? That most of the time, with patience, you have to let time unfold what’s there to see, to expect. To let time slowly build the trust required to be in a relationship again.

And just like the first phrase above, one chooses to forgive in order to trust again. Even if it takes a long time. Because you never give up on love and you always choose to love.

*Laida, the main female character of the local movie It takes A Man and a Woman.

April 4, 2013 will never happen again…

today

On a very early Thursday morning, over coffee, eggs and sausages, McDonald’s repeatedly played a song on the background with the following lyrics: everything’s gonna be alright, hooray for today!

Who wouldn’t like to start a day with this on mind?

And believing that this day will not pass again, I make it count.

Even if it’s only doing something that’s  very ordinary or even routine –  like checking and answering emails, attending a meeting, submitting a report, eating lunch, shopping, playing 4pics 1 word or candy crush – because these activities add up to where I will be in the coming days.  Because i believe that where I am right now is because of the things I did, the decisions  I made, and the people I interacted with in the past.  The meeting  I attended earlier may be what my future office systems will be.   The report I submitted may be the basis of my promotion or not.  Or the man I talked to earlier at McDonalds may be someone important in my future.

One may ask how can an ordinary day be a special day?  Be grateful for it.  Be  grateful for all the things that is in your life and be contented with it.  Be grateful for the sun, the early morning breeze, the perfect parking space, the radio hosts that make you smile, the guard who greeted you good morning, the freshly brewed coffee.  Be grateful for your heart, your legs, your brain.  Be grateful for your job and the salary that goes with it.  Just be grateful.  Never regret.  And let this gratitude add up and take you to where you are supposed to be.

Because a day, just like time, once spent will never be claimed again.   So make it count.  And make it special.