On a very ordinary day, you find beauty on those that are left alone. Because on the stillness, you find what’s true and real.
That’s what I’m doing now. Going back to the life before him.
After reading entries on my blog, it dawns on me that I had been doing okay before him. It may have been a home-work-home situation – with yoga, travel, movies and dinner with friends on the side – i have come to enjoy and love the life I had made. Alone.
Just today, after mass, I started reading my favorite paper while having breakfast. The other night, American Idol started its season 12 and I watched without him interrupting. I also started sleeping on time again and not wait for his late night calls. This week, I am joining a yoga class again.
This is my step two.
Funny, but I guess that I may not be in this situation alone this time. One of the articles I read today was a contribution titled ” With all I am”. The guy started his piece with all what he remembers with her – plans of buying and living on a small house with a couple of kids and a dog, of praying and singing the The Lord’ Prayer while holding hands tightly, of watching the movie ” bolt” together, of loving despite the distance, of always hearing her reply “always” when he ask if she’ll marry him, of thanking his God for bringing his best version to his life. Until she changed her mind. They were together for four years! And he’s starting to re-learn. To do things alone again.
Mine is just a year. But a breakup is a breakup however long it is. It creates a void. It asks so many whys. It questions worthiness and unworthiness.
I may not be singing “Almost Over You” for the next coming days but I am sure stepping my foot forward. One step at a time. One day at a time.
And just like the guy on the article, from here on, I will re-learn.
Could have been the anniversary today. First. But He ended in just a blink. Maybe woke up one day and just felt it wasn’t working for him. We are on long distance and I believe it got the better of him. Adding to the distance is the very complicated mess we are in with the family. It was an “you and me against the world” as my family never accepted him because of complications of his previous relationship.
And just as the relationship is being accepted in a way, he dropped the bomb. He lost interest and found another one. Just like that. And this one is not complicated at all, not long distance. Just easy and comfortable.
And questions and doubts came flooding in. What went wrong? Was every effort not enough? Was the love not enough? And he told me pointblank, NO. If only I could say b——t here!
As I am writing this, it makes me wonder why I am even writing this. Some friends told me to let go. He’s not worth even a single moment to be thought of. He’s not even worth a single letter or a page!
Hhmm.. true. But maybe, I am writing this for me. For me to start taking the first step to moving on, to letting go. It has been two weeks. I’ve drunk (even if I am not allowed to) and cried myself at night. And cried even more. I’ve read all the mushy things about heart break and letting go. I asked myself all the what if’s and could have been’s. And it’s just funny that the only answer I have right now is I don’t know.
Yep, I don’t know when will I stop crying, thinking and analyzing (or even over-analyzing) what happened. I just feel that I owe that to myself that I have to. To take the first step. To begin again.