Day 365/365. Who would have thought I will be writing happily today?

At the stroke of midnight, I will leave 2014 with a grin.  It was a feeling a million miles different compared to how I welcomed it on Day 1.  I woke up then with a heavy heart, a headache and a butterfly on my stomach but of the bad kind, the kind that makes you throw up.  Maybe because of the almost 2am sleep, the coffee I drank and the decision that I am not happy welcoming a new day, a new year.  And I will be true to myself that this is mostly because of a meet up with an ex that unearthed some painful memories even more.  And having to hear of a one-year-late explanation why he decided to leave, I could have just leave it cold just like the coffee we shared because all he can muster is a lie.  Yep, this was my Day 1.  Dang!

And all I could think about is to go out, far, fast.  So I did!

I slaved myself to work five times a week.  Literally clocking in at 7am and leaving at 7pm.  And at some point, even on a Saturday.  I survived this kind of life.  The new project at my office made me realize how persistence, thinking hard, eating with people you love to work with (even if it’s a cold spaghetti!), shouting when ideas collide, and some tears would actually let you see the end.  With an almost 200 hours extra work and 90% done,  it was a relief to see the *ERP on-going* sign put down last September.

My sugar went rolling this year.  It never stayed beyond what’s normal but it was high. I did what I have to do but it was never enough.  I accepted that I am a little bit sweet this time.  I promise to do better next year.

I traveled this year.  Puerto Princesa, Palawan, Singapore, Tokyo and Taipei.  It always brings me back to my core.

Someone from the past came back too.  It was a complicated.  And complicated is not good for me this time.  So No.

And I turned a year older!  I hope what they say is true about turning forty.  That it begins.  Well, what had I been doing for the past 39 then?  Maybe, that life, not begins, but will, be better, happier, calmer.  Hhmm, i like that, calmer.

It’s 365 of 365 of 2014.  I will blow the green new year horn we bought tonight.  No sparkles to be lighted for safety reasons and the fireworks at the neighborhood will suffice.  I have good vibes for the number 2 0 1 5.  I will flash  my wide grin tonight.  I decided to be happy.  And if butterflies will be on my stomach tonight, theirs will be just as beautiful as the colors of a new day.

Hurray 2014!  Cheers 2 0 1 5!

Oh these two!

I have been typing and deleting what to write here after finding below by Lang Leav.  Need I say more?  Admittedly, she drew what Patience and Love looked like.  Patience being impatient and Love a little bit late on a designated time.  Maybe Time is at fault too.  Never perfect, never on time.  Ha!

But who am I to say all these things?  And who am I to question?  I’ll just take it as it is just because I’ve learned that Love and Patience have their own way of doing things on their own.  And I can’t force each one of them to come and stay in one place lest it’s the perfect time.  That even though I say to the Universe that I have been patient for love to come, if it’s not the time, they will not meet.

I know I’m not making sense.  I’ll just marvel how the rays of the sun finally made it’s way to my window.  And tomorrow, i’ll await some more.  Dang, I am not making any sense.  I’ll just patient.

patience

Give up for a while…

your false and failing attempts at merriment, and thank God for thin places, and for advent, for a season that understands longing and loneliness and long nights. let yourself fall open to advent, to anticipation, to the belief that what is empty will be filled, what is broken will be repaired, and what is lost can always be found, no matter how many times it’s been lost.

– shauna niequist

Christmas Magic!

Somewhere between sipping my coffee today, I realize that maybe one of the magical things that can happen during Christmas is having a wish come true. I don’t know where this came from but this made me smile. I haven’t really wished for anything material when I blew the candle of my birthday cake a few days ago. I really can’t remember what was on my mind either. Maybe I didn’t even have a wish anymore. Maybe I am too old for that now.

And the last couple of years my Christmas holiday was anything but happy. With the break- up as 2012 ended and the meet up last year during the holidays where the pain came rushing back again, the only thing on my mind during these two years was to get out and to leave home. Though I know the chance that we will meet again is very unlikely, just the thought that he is just four houses away makes me want to run as fast and as far away as possible. And so the last couple of years, Christmas was just sad and painful.

True, there was not an excitement to go home especially when dreams related to the ex had been coming in and out of my sleep lately. But I have no excuse but to come home so here I am now. I don’t know what came to me this morning but the thought of what the magic of Christmas can do gives me some warm and fuzzy feeling.

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Maybe the wishes I desire most are the prayers I utter every night. Nothing material but of some that may make life a little bit happier. Maybe selfish as it all pertains to what I want. They say you can never pray too hard or too long for something that your heart desires and so even though my mind sometimes gives up on certain dreams, the heart never stops. It fights it way so that the mind wouldn’t too. It even gives a kick when my mind began to falter. Talk about being hard-hearted!

And so whatever magic Christmas is doing with the prayers I have right now, it is good. And I accept. I feel happy.

I don’t know and I can’t think of any reasons what the Christmas magic is up to. This may even be a make believe! But heck, if it’s feels this good, I wouldn’t deny. I’ll have a grateful heart and I’ll enjoy very sip of my coffee during this Christmas days.