Summer rain

Summer rain

Just like your love
Unexpectedly it came

With warmth as it nears
It promised to quench
The hot day
Slowly it trickles
And fell

It soothed the earth
and embraced openly
The cold air
And its every drop

Then slowly
It began to hurt
And in a blink
It just stopped

Just like your love

The pool of water on the pave
Reminiscent of what’s gone
That one hot summer day
The rain trickled, fell,hurt and left.

(picture was a download. not mine. if it’s yours and you want it deleted, please let me know, i’ll be happy to delete)

Am I seeing the answer to the ever elusive question of “why it has to end”?

Am I seeing the answer to the ever elusive question of “why it has to end”?

It was a good kind of weird when I saw the black pair of slippers he gave me the last time we spent a weekend. It made me realize that maybe his part on my story has really had to end on that fateful January afternoon. Crazy right? I was buckling myself up on the car when this happened. And it’s weird. I’ve been pondering on it while driving and minutes had passed that not a thought of why the slippers hit me just like that.

Until I made a curve on the busy street.

He came to let me know that I can do better. Much better. My sister even told me that I deserve the best. Remembering my last few relationships and I saw the pattern of those that I chose to enter my (love) life. Either these men (if they can be called that) are f*cked up in their own odd life, the baggage they are carrying is too much to handle or I am placed on the option mode. The third sucks. Really.

He also came to make me realize that a relationship is made up of two people who chose to work it out despite their differences. The operative word being “chose”. I believe I am a nurturer and it is innate in me that I feel I care more deeply than the other person. That said, I give all. And I give in to what he offers never minding that what he’s doing or contributing is not enough. But, I am giving him the benefit of the doubt that maybe he too did his share of working it out. It’s not just enough (or he is just too weak to resist temptation that he gave in). The friend told me that I should learn to tame my emotions and not give all. To keep something for myself, so that if it doesn’t turn out well, the heart is cushioned even if it’s only as thin as paper.

That a relationship is something to be proud of. Ours is complicated and we decided not to tell everybody just yet. Until we figure it out. And the stress to this kind of relationship is much higher. And the lies I have to put through. As they say, no relationship is worth hiding. If you have to hide it to be happy, it’s not worth having. This is well noted.

And as I go through the moving on and letting go chapter, after the never-ending questions and second guessing, the what ifs, the why not’s, the pros and cons, after I went thru the denial, anger, acceptance and revenge levels, today I chose to know that he is my lesson instead of my forever.

At the church last Sunday, I already made a prayer for him. For him to be happy. And for his family to be happy too. I was surprised after I uttered the prayer. And if only I can take it back. But nah, maybe I had made peace with what happened.

Or better, I had made peace with myself and I am closing this chapter.

And the black slippers? They’ll just be that. A reminder that once upon a time, a prince tried to fit it on me. He never got lucky!

One order of karma please… And can you deliver it quick?

When I was busily living and doing my thing, the universe tests me on how I’ve what goes around comes aroundbeen in terms of moving on – a reminder from an airline of the ex’s travel plan to come home suddenly pops up on my inbox – What do I do? I say f*ck! And f*ck again!

But the friend with her imaginative mind suddenly launch various ways to mess up his vacation. In the middle of dinner and much laughter, we listed down the following:

A. Re-route to Syria or Sabah ( or to Tralala if this country exist. Importantly, ticket is one- way)
B. Transfer it to my name and travel somewhere exotic like the Maldives!
C. Change schedule to February 29, 2043! ( Hhmm, this is not a leap year).
D. Cancel!

Choice D is tempting.

I had the power to click the button to cancel on his travel. Just to mess his day so that he’ll not be able to attend a very important family event.

The power was on my hand. One click to let him know that I can inflict even a pinch of pain he made me feel because of his betrayal.

But I chose not to because I have other important things on mind. Or maybe I just don’t want to stress anymore. Or I’ll just follow every friend and both of my sisters’ advice: Let it be. Especially on this day that everything is digital, karma will come around so fast!

Past-ing versus Living.

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The friend blatantly told me that it is now my fault that I am still giving the ex some precious time of my day when I should be giving it all to my moving on and “living” my life and dreams.

I guess I can’t get another sympathy from her anymore. She may have enough of my whining and all my putting myself down. She had been my go-to girl ever since the breakup so I understand where she is coming from. She listened as I cried and whined. She even cursed the ex for me!

And last night, pointblank, she told me that it is a waste of my time. That the ex is a jerk and doesn’t deserve a second on my mind, in my life.

That’s why, with much much courage and will power, I will now live. Cliche but it is true – the past belongs there and if I continue to keep visiting it, I may miss all what’s life has to offer.

I am ending all it here, now. No heartbreak or relationship fail entries from me anymore. No negative or put-me-down feelings and thoughts anymore. No more past-ing, just living.

Solicited advice for the bent (not broken) hearted.

  1. 20130307-125317.jpgThis too will pass.
  2. It happened for a reason. You may not know right now but you will do in time.
  3. It’s for the best. See Number 2.
  4. Time heals.
  5. Love heals.
  6. You will love again.
  7. Apply the no contact rule until you get your self-esteem back.
  8. Delete all his/her details on all your media and apps. See Number 7.
  9. Cry. Wail. But know when to stop. Just stop.
  10. Start a hobby. Take yoga or salsa. Reinstate your old life.
  11. Do not settle. Do not compromise.
  12. Pray.
  13. If there’s cheating involved – Karma will ultimately play. What goes around comes around.
  14. Be happy and successful. It’s the best revenge.
  15. Forgive but don’t forget the lesson.
  16. Keep on smiling. There’s someone better out there for you.