Lessons I Learned…

A way to test my super short patient quotient.  And crossing my fingers that he’ll be worth it.  Image

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Table for One.

This is one of the challenges of being single.

The kid on my next table was curiously eyeing me while I sat on the corner waiting for my coffee.  Not only twice did she turn her head on my side.  Nope, she didn’t smiled nor made face.  She has this curiosity on her face.  I can’t imagine what she is thinking about me. Oh we’ll, she is a kid. She’ll never understand why I am alone at that time.
Imagine what the group of girl friends are thinking as they pass by me to sit on the next table.  The last girl holding hands with her boyfriend  has her eyes on me too.  Maybe curious why I am alone.  Maybe she’s  sad or even she pity this lone girl on the corner.  But she will brush off the thought, form a smile on her lips and  think ” no, I’ll never be that, alone and lonely!”.
 i get those stares the last few outings I dine alone.  But I never care what they think.  For one, I really have no one to spend almost all of the time I go out.  Most of my friends are with their own relationships and getting together every time is not possible at all.  Second, I love my own company.  I love spending it without any concern for another person.  I can do whatever I want on my own time, even change my plan at the last minute and never have to explain why.  Lastly, I can pursue my passion, learn things on my own, and love the person I am always with.  This, I hope will complete me so that when the chance to share my life with with someone else comes I don’t need him to complete me because I already am.
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Scary at first but I got used to it.
It has never been lonely with me. Maybe at times, it does.  Especially when you need someone to just be there for you.  But this feeling passes.  It is always a choice to brush it off and learn to be positive about the situation. Happiness (and sadness) is always a choice.
And so I am never scared ( or will be) to get a table for one.  I always love the company I am with.  Remembering the kid and the girl at the coffee shop earlier, I hope they get the time to be alone  too in order for them to realize that sometimes being alone is also a good thing.

There are many …

There are many things that can keep you in a relationship,” I say. “Fear of being alone. Fear of disrupting the arrangement of your life. A decision to settle for something that’s okay, because you don’t know if you can get any better. Or maybe there’s the irrational belief that it will get better, even if you know he won’t change.”

From Every Day by David Levithan

Should love be the only reason to be in one?

I chose me.

In the middle of  a very busy day yesterday, I made a choice.Image

The heart was slowly being torn into pieces but I have to brave it in order for me not to get hurt later and hurt some more people.  I never want to be entangled in a complicated relationship again.
I am just tired that I am being handed the same cards over and over again – some complicated  relationships  when I only want a harmonious and happy one.  The friend reminded me though that I may be in this same hole again and again because I never learn.  I make the same decisions when faced with the same shit.  The only thing constant in this is I always end being hurt.
And so I choose me today.  And right now I don’t give a damn if i’ll not be in a relationship again. Me and myself is enough for now.