TwentyFourteen.

I started Year 2013 on a bad note.  I struggled the first few months but learned to moved on.  I learned to accept that somethings and some people never really stays for good.  And sometimes they leave taking something away from you and yet you learn to accept this too.  I learned the hard way in 2013.  The trust quotient and self-esteem has gotten into its super low, I made bad decisions at work, even snapped at few people.  I was mean the whole time, hate and anger ruled my heart.  

This made up my first half.  But I got tired.  The negativity sucked my whole being.  
And I decided to let go.

Friends and family helped me through.  Writing and this blog was my voice to all what’s inside me.  It was hard to get back but since I know that no one will help me but myself and I realized that I owe it to friends and family especially the sisters who’ve been helping me through,  I snapped back.

And so I look forward to 2014.  With a little bit of fear to make it exciting, with some smile to brighten each day, with a whole lot of hope and faith to carry me through, with much gratitude for all things I now have and for the things that will be.  With a little love to put sunshine on my days, maybe some good sunsets to appreciate life  more.

So for 2014,  I made my list.  May your 2014 be as prosperous!

1.  Choose well. 

2.  Forget the past but not its lessons.  And sometimes, it’s okay to look back just to check how far you already have come. 

3.  Be kind to everyone.  Be kinder to yourself.

4.  Got this from one of my readings :  Be okay with giving the gift of your absence to those who do not appreciate and respect your presence.

5.  Read more.  Write more!

6.  Exercise more.  Eat well.

7.  Travel to new places – Bali, Batanes, Paris, South Korea, Coron.

8.  Travel alone.

9.  Peace of mind and of heart.  Happiness in all its form. Love in all areas.

10.  More blessings to share.  

11.  Be a blessing to others.

12.  Be grateful.  See the positives in the negatives.

13.  Learn to forgive others.  Learn to forgive oneself too.

14.  Work hard.  Invest smart.

15.  Let go of the small stuff.

16.  Believe that the universe is limitless.  So ask for anything and everything.

17. Pray more.  Meditate.

18. Coffee and friends are always a good combination.  Give time for both.

19.  Sometimes it’s okay to put up walls.  To know who cares enough to knock them down.

20.  Smile. For every reason.  Especially when there’s no reason.

21.  Appreciate the little and simple things.

22.  Time, patience and faith.  Believe in them.

23.  Believe that God has a way of doing things – in His own way and and in His own time. Trust Him even if sometimes in your terms, it’s unfair and unreasonable.

24.  Love oneself.  You’ll never go wrong.

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Coming full circle? but I am ending it with a period.

I don’t know what’s worst – my hangover, the coffee I drank after drinking (which I think is the reason of this bad feeling), or the impromptu talk with the ex.

After the mini reunion, we drove to a 24 hour cafe and had the talk which has been overdue for a year.  We are separated by miles and ours was a long distance affair.  So the breakup was also made through long distance with the help of viber. And I wasn’t happy with that. No one deserves a break-up through viber!!!

I know i085 rattled off during our talk. I can’t even remember what are the things I said, how I said it or if I made an impression that I was over or not over him yet.  I don’t know.  Dang! 

Beside the usual how are you and how’s your work, i know I made it known to him how hard I cope up with the breakup, how he made me feel about the breakup and how over time I finally coped and moved on.  I know I should have not said these things to him because they say these are signs of weakness but I had to.  Well, it was what i decided upon that very moment and I can’t take it back now.

He said sorry to me.  I never bothered to see him straight into his eye if he meant it well.  Because I can’t.  I still can’t.

Which led me to asking, am I really not over him?  Am I still hoping? Am I afraid to forgive him because I am finally accepting and acknowledging that what he did is now okay with me? Now there were more questions than answers.

I am a mess.  I am screwed! I’m pathetic!

This is not going where I am suppose to go…

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My only consolation to this I guess is that I know this will pass.  The feelings, the second guessing, the questions, the doubts.  I’ll just let time do it for me.  And the firm decision on my end not to screw it up again, and again.

And maybe, with fingers crossed, it’s coming soon.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Over a cold coffee while looking through.

I ordered my usual Christmas coffee drink in Starbucks after the birthday dinner on the 18th.  We had dinner earlier at a Japanese restaurant after braving the horrible Manila traffic which is not very unusual at this time of the year.  I am with my two single friends who happens to be my travel, dinner, coffee and movie buddies too.  We make time to come together as often since one of us work on a different time shift.  It’s good that we get along so well and likes the same stuff; the things we don’t agree upon – we learned to agree to disagree!  No complications, everyone happy.

In the midst of talking and joking with a friend overseas (thru the fb messenger) about the Starbucks planner my friend just got,  a sudden silence washed over us and we became silent (of course).  Each on its own thoughts.  My friend was busy on line with a colleague about work (yes, her work can be done online anytime, anywhere); the other friend is smiling and busy with his new planner which he decided not to write on it just like his planner last year (that’s why we are asking him to give it to one of us! but he never bulge!).  

And in that short second (maybe three or five seconds) of silence, I feel happy.  Contented even.  Or maybe i finally accepted that this life and this lifestyle I lead and everything in between is pure bliss.  Any of the above is okay with me.  Whatever is lacking with my life now, i feel grateful too.  It gives me inspiration to make better choices and decisions and drives me to work harder.

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“You want some muffin?”, my friend asked.  I said no.

I drank what remains of my coffee.  Now cold but still sweet.  And i smiled.

 

 

 

Dear 2013. Thanks. Bye!

Dear 2013,

Days from now, you’ll soon be over.  And i thank God for that!

It has been eventful especially the first half, err.., the first seven days, when out of the blue i was left with a broken heart.  Happy 2013 to me.

Oh ok, maybe, not out of the blue, maybe i missed out on the signs and completely ignored it.  Yes, it was my fault I didn’t see it coming. I missed it, completely ignored, left me with a broken heart and a self-worth so minute, it was so hard to grow back again.

And yet, i grew up a little bit more with you.  I did what i had to do to come back and embrace you with my head held high.  ‘Twas hard but i have to do it.  And so with much courage, I hang on and look where I am now – a little bit wiser, a little more hopeful, my emotional quotient a little bit longer, my faith in God’s promises that He will fulfill, and my belief in hope and love (and not be so cynical about it) was renewed.  It’s December 24 and i made it through.  Seven more days and I bid you goodbye.

And so I thank you. For everything I learned this year about self worth, patience, love, choices, importance, waiting, friends, family, betrayal, laughter, success, humility. For showing me that loving oneself is the most important of all.

Bye 2013. It was nice knowing you, learning with you, living with you. You were unkind the first few days but you balanced it out after.

Yours,
M