No other reason but to believe.

I almost gave up on this dream. Maybe out of loneliness and boredom, my latest failed relationship, of my being a diabetic, or of social pressure, or I may not be biologically able anymore. And these reasons always gets to me and I always find myself on the lowest of the lowest self esteem level. Yep, on these times, I give up on this dream.

And then I see this Quote by Robert Brault.image

And the re-run of 27 Dresses is playing.

And good friends are tying the knot in the next few months despite everything that’s happening to marriages going on the divorce/separation statistics. So I think marriage and relationship has a bright future.

But I think, the most important reason of holding on to this dream is my capacity to share the love and life I had made. Sure it’s not perfect but I think if I found the one person who will actually find the quirks and complications of my so-called life bearable and even endearing, the dream becoming a reality is most likely.

If I found the one. Out of the billion. Just one. And I know I will find him.

And making this dream come true is one good reason to keep on believing in love, in relationships, in true love, in the one. No one is allowed to burst my bubble.


Dear old love,

I remembered you today. The song you usually sing for me played on the radio while I was driving. It brought memories of you. It’s good to feel that what I remember now are the good times. The happy times.

I’m wondering what you’re up to at this moment. It’s late afternoon of a Saturday. I know you are at the site, busily manning your people to finish what’s needed to be done today – be the finishing of a floor or the awnings that needed to be corrected. I still remember how I felt then every time you show me plans that you made for a certain building or a floor. I smile every time you explain what are those and I often nod as if I understand what you’re telling me though in my mind all I see are lines and lines and numbers! And you smile too knowing that I try hard. Or are you on your way to the monthly dinner/drinks given by your project manager? Or are you at class? Did you finally enroll in that engineering class you’ve always wanted to attend to? Or you’re at the mall? Responsibly sending your family’s allowance for the month. I stare blankly realizing that I will never know the answers anymore. It will all just be wondering.

Just the same, I hope you are well. I hope you sleep well now since you’ve been telling me then that you can’t sleep soundly. We even had a discussion before regarding this since you go to bed much too late when I insisted that you should not wait for your housemates to come home since their work schedules very much differ from you. Just so you can eat dinner together. Are you still going to bed at 1am? I really hope not. I really hope you are taking care of yourself.

I hope you still play basketball and you still run. For you to stay fit. Even if these activities led you much closer to the girl who caused our breakup. Because she was always with you, cheering you or running the course with you. Well, you did stay fit and you got the girl too! Though I heard from Shey that you too broke it off already. After five months! Did I feel vindicated that after you left me to be with this girl, you also didn’t last? Yes, I was. I felt screaming with happiness and shouting “woohoo!” But I never did. I just told Shey that it’s not my business anymore to know what’s going on with your life because truly, I don’t care anymore. Until today. Because of the song.

I hope you are saving more for your future now. You were very eager to come home for good. To be with your kids. To not leave them again.  Because I know they are your priority. I know I made a fuss every time you gave more time to them, when I felt I will always be your second. I gave you a hard time every time your kids are brought up. I know it was childish but I understand it at the end anyway.

I hope you never let go of your plans, one of which is living simply in the province. At a farm, with a a simple house with trees all around it. With some farm animals and a fish pond. Waking up with the sun on the veranda as breakfast is served. The fresh vegetable and the fruits all came from the farm. This was your ultimate dream and I loved it then that I was part of it. Because I love this kind of life too. Simple but complete because we are are together. But now that we are apart, I hope you still hold on to this dream. You have that beautiful smile when you were telling me this and I know that you truly want this and it will make you happiest. So please never let it go. And please forgive me if until now I also hold this plan for me, simple life at the province with someone to grow old with.

I’m happy that I am writing this now. I am very sure though that there’s no way you will read this.  Maybe this is for me too. That I am okay now especially that I mostly remember the happy times we shared.

You will always be that one person who made that one moonless night very special. And the heart will never forget.

I hope life treats you well.

No way to treat the heart.

My latest ECG showed that my LVH is again pressuring the heart.  I was cleared of it last 2009 and I made it a point to live stress free so that I’ll not strain the heart too much.

And now, its looming again.

The first thing that came to my mind when I saw the finding is because my heart was literally broken.  This is the same reason why I was then wary to be in a relationship because I would like to avoid any drama in my life especially those related to a romantic relationship.  I am a drama queen and most of the time I am that emotional.

But I took a risk.  Fell in love. Fell out of it. Left me a broken heart.

What I make out of this? So I that it’ll never happen again or I can avoid it at the beginning.

1.  Live stress-free. From work. From people who complicates life.

2.  Free the mind from anything that’s negative.

3.  Exercise more.

4.  Not fall in love.

5.  Laugh often.

6.  Give thanks.

7.  Appreciate more.

8.  Smile always.

9.  Eat healthy.

Yes, I included #4 on the list. Maybe it isn’t the major reason why LVH came back but I think I can do away from it now.  Just to avoid being broken again.  So that the heart can heal and not feel too much strain.

Because the heart deserves to be happy.