What do I tell myself when I ask why.

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This road trip.

roadtrip

Unlike the others that’s often rowdy and full of loud music, this was silent.  Especially when all what’s ahead are blue skies and some patches of white clouds.  Looking ahead was much easier.  She was silent after I asked her what will change her mind.  She smiled. And looked far beyond.  A few minutes after and no single word uttered.  It seems she went straight into an abyss and has no plans of breaking out.  Not even a scream to let others know.

Heartbreak.  It does that to you.

I pressed for an answer.  I was curious of what was going on on her mind.  What made her decide that any relationship is not worthy to be risked for again?  How can someone hurt another so much they decide that they had enough?

I guess I will never know her answer. Maybe because I saw how her world collided after.  How tears were always present on her cheeks.  How her life went from happy to uncertain.

On another road trip, I will ask again.  Hopefully, I’ll get an answer.  Or an explanation what or who will change her mind.

 

 

 

 

 

Maybe it’s true love.

It found its way on a cold December night. Conversation was light and simple.  Friends are slowly easing their way out to catch a free concert at the plaza.  I stayed comfortably seated on the sofa.

Conversations with her was light.  We talked of how spending the holidays at a foreign land gives a different meaning of being away,  of being lonely.

My phone buzzed.

I asked how she’s coping and if it eased up after spending five years away from home.  She smiled and said that friends acting as families helps.  She added that skype and whatsApp too. She smiled.

I pressed cancel on my phone when it started to ring.

I smiled and in that instant I know I want to kiss her.  And I did.

My phone started buzzing again.

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Above was the beginning of their love story.  Maybe I am biased since I was at the other end.

I was the person calling him.  Disturbing him at that exact moment when he decided that ours was not worthy to be kept.  He kissed her while we are together.

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Being cheated was the worst.  Being devastated didn’t come close.  It was death while trying to live.

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Forward to today.  I learned that they are happy.  A baby is added.

There was a twinge.  I breathed out so that I can breathe normally.  I remembered it again.  The pain.  And how I survived.

And then came the wish I had for him.  That if not me, then I hope she is.  His true love.

 

 

 

 

To you.

imageMany had asked when will it be my time
To walk down the aisle
In something white

I told them you are running a bit late
And is fixing something to be right
And things didn’t go my way too

But I believe you are on your way
Of course you are
And we will have our own sweet time

And until then I’ll rock this pink gown
And create a vivid picture on my mind
That someday soon you’ll be the one at the altar
And I am wearing white!.

Maybe right, maybe not.

My heart is ripped every breath I take. If this is what it takes to hold on to the one decision I made 72 hours to go, then so be it. It is hurting me now, it must be hurting him too and yet we have to do what is right. For everyone. For him. But most especially for me.

I backslid after. I sent messages. I called. He never replied or picked up the phone. I guess he started what I asked him to do. Not to call me. Not to see me again.

I drowned it with some bottles too. Even if it’s bad for me. Just to get numb.

It maybe right, maybe not. But I made it already. I can’t retract.

They say a decision is right when you’re at peace after. I am not. So did I made a bad one?

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