What do I tell myself when I ask why.


This road trip.


Unlike the others that’s often rowdy and full of loud music, this was silent.  Especially when all what’s ahead are blue skies and some patches of white clouds.  Looking ahead was much easier.  She was silent after I asked her what will change her mind.  She smiled. And looked far beyond.  A few minutes after and no single word uttered.  It seems she went straight into an abyss and has no plans of breaking out.  Not even a scream to let others know.

Heartbreak.  It does that to you.

I pressed for an answer.  I was curious of what was going on on her mind.  What made her decide that any relationship is not worthy to be risked for again?  How can someone hurt another so much they decide that they had enough?

I guess I will never know her answer. Maybe because I saw how her world collided after.  How tears were always present on her cheeks.  How her life went from happy to uncertain.

On another road trip, I will ask again.  Hopefully, I’ll get an answer.  Or an explanation what or who will change her mind.






The Hills.

With hand clasp, we run uphill
With each breath expecting
Cold with morning mist
Our hands never leaving.

With the sun rising
Witness of how we began
Promised never to part
The heart is now melting.

The church on the centerfield
Promises made on the stones
Never to part but to make it last
A silent prayer to make us through.

Days passed and stars fades
The promised washed by the wind
Though I still go and I still run
Alone now.

Almost a fading memory
Of how we started
My mind still holds true
The hand clasp, the morning mist, the promises
Now broken.

Day 365/365. Who would have thought I will be writing happily today?

At the stroke of midnight, I will leave 2014 with a grin.  It was a feeling a million miles different compared to how I welcomed it on Day 1.  I woke up then with a heavy heart, a headache and a butterfly on my stomach but of the bad kind, the kind that makes you throw up.  Maybe because of the almost 2am sleep, the coffee I drank and the decision that I am not happy welcoming a new day, a new year.  And I will be true to myself that this is mostly because of a meet up with an ex that unearthed some painful memories even more.  And having to hear of a one-year-late explanation why he decided to leave, I could have just leave it cold just like the coffee we shared because all he can muster is a lie.  Yep, this was my Day 1.  Dang!

And all I could think about is to go out, far, fast.  So I did!

I slaved myself to work five times a week.  Literally clocking in at 7am and leaving at 7pm.  And at some point, even on a Saturday.  I survived this kind of life.  The new project at my office made me realize how persistence, thinking hard, eating with people you love to work with (even if it’s a cold spaghetti!), shouting when ideas collide, and some tears would actually let you see the end.  With an almost 200 hours extra work and 90% done,  it was a relief to see the *ERP on-going* sign put down last September.

My sugar went rolling this year.  It never stayed beyond what’s normal but it was high. I did what I have to do but it was never enough.  I accepted that I am a little bit sweet this time.  I promise to do better next year.

I traveled this year.  Puerto Princesa, Palawan, Singapore, Tokyo and Taipei.  It always brings me back to my core.

Someone from the past came back too.  It was a complicated.  And complicated is not good for me this time.  So No.

And I turned a year older!  I hope what they say is true about turning forty.  That it begins.  Well, what had I been doing for the past 39 then?  Maybe, that life, not begins, but will, be better, happier, calmer.  Hhmm, i like that, calmer.

It’s 365 of 365 of 2014.  I will blow the green new year horn we bought tonight.  No sparkles to be lighted for safety reasons and the fireworks at the neighborhood will suffice.  I have good vibes for the number 2 0 1 5.  I will flash  my wide grin tonight.  I decided to be happy.  And if butterflies will be on my stomach tonight, theirs will be just as beautiful as the colors of a new day.

Hurray 2014!  Cheers 2 0 1 5!