This road trip.

roadtrip

Unlike the others that’s often rowdy and full of loud music, this was silent.  Especially when all what’s ahead are blue skies and some patches of white clouds.  Looking ahead was much easier.  She was silent after I asked her what will change her mind.  She smiled. And looked far beyond.  A few minutes after and no single word uttered.  It seems she went straight into an abyss and has no plans of breaking out.  Not even a scream to let others know.

Heartbreak.  It does that to you.

I pressed for an answer.  I was curious of what was going on on her mind.  What made her decide that any relationship is not worthy to be risked for again?  How can someone hurt another so much they decide that they had enough?

I guess I will never know her answer. Maybe because I saw how her world collided after.  How tears were always present on her cheeks.  How her life went from happy to uncertain.

On another road trip, I will ask again.  Hopefully, I’ll get an answer.  Or an explanation what or who will change her mind.

 

 

 

 

 

Advertisements

Making sense of it.

It’s hard when at 2am you stare at everything black thinking why this even happens.

The way people just come, literally pops out of the crowd. Unexpectedly but slowly making their way and even becoming a habit. Never expecting that their smile or even their idiosyncrasies is what has been missing all along.

Then they leave. Sometimes abrupt, not telling. Not even a simple sign that they’ve been feeling the blues. But most of the time slowly drifting and inching their way out. Whatever and however they do it the pain is always the same. Not a tiny bit different.

Maybe this is how life is charted. Coming and going. Up and down. Happiness and sadness. Yin and yang. Black and white. Life or something like it.

Crazy Conversations.

Maybe unusual.  Maybe crazy.  Or weird.  But I had these conversations this past week.  With this person.

She: Dang, how come you’re still alone?

Me:  What do you mean alone?  Of course, I am.  I live alone.

She:  I mean, are you not asking why no one’s here for you?  No one stayed?  No one decided to, you know, promised to take care of you.  Oh i know, they don’t find you worthy! (makes an evil wicked grin then laughs).  These men you’ve been with?  They think you’re not enough for them to surrender their singlehood.  

Me:  Can it not be that they are the wrong ones?  You know, that i have to meet the d-bags and the jerks first before I find the one?

She:  At your age? (Laughs). Should you have not known that when you were like younger?  It’s too late girl.

Me:  What do you mean late?  

She:  You’re past your prime.  Men now looks at you as an unhappy and grouchy single.  Even worst, there will only be two types who will “want” you ( she emphasizes the word want with her hands using the open close parenthesis sign)!

Me:  Of course not,  I maybe past my prime but I am not unhappy and grouchy!

She:  Whatever you say.  Think.  Two types – those single boys (those twenty-somethings whose testosterone are way up high) and those men who are either married but bored with their current state and wants some excitement – you being that (as she points at me) or separated.  Good if they are legally separated.  But those that are not, they also try their luck on you!  

Me:  That bad huh?  Just two types! Well, the twenty-somethings are good for the ego! (i laugh as she makes face).  I’d rather not mess with the twenty-somethings.  They only want fun and someone to fill their blank days.  And I’m not ready to be a cougar. No.  The bored husbands?  Hmm, they are still on that status so no to them too.  I’m not to settle.  

She:  Not to settle?  At your age?  Why would you not?  I bet you can’t even get a date nowadays?

Me:  Yep, i’m not to settle especially if at your own belief I am not good enough and only boys and the bored “wants” me.  Nah,  if such is the case, then I’ll just be single happy with a book on my couch. 

She:  So, you’ve given up huh?

Me:  Nope.  Remember the question in the movie, The Mexican?  When do you say enough is enough?  The answer is always never right? So never. I’ll just hope and wait some more.  I maybe jaded sometimes but I always manage to pull out from that dark pit of loneliness and desperation.  Hey, you are that?

She:  What do you mean I am that?

Me:  You are my loneliness and desperation!  I should, err..most appropriately, I must snap back.

She:  No, you always love me.  You’ve been welcoming me for days now.  So i’ll cling.

Me:  No.  Time for you to go.  Don’t bother me again with your negativity okay?  I am okay.  Sure, I am single and sometimes welcome you but I always kick you out.  You gonna leave now?

She:  I’ll come back when you least expect.  Don’t be too much comfortable on your couch okay?

Me:  Bye.

And then I leave the mirror.

 

 

 

 

 

 

        

  

 

 

The End. Today.

I had a hard time completing the task from The Magic by Rhonda Byrne last year.  It requires me to think and write ten reasons to be thankful to persons who caused me pain or hurt me one way or the other. It was painfully hard that time as I just came from a painful ending of a relationship.  The ultimate goal is not seeing or finger-pointing who is right or wrong.  It is finding something beautiful despite the difficult situation so that negative feelings are magically healed and animosity is ultimately erased.  One becomes healed and peace will come.

It was a hard task.

But it’s time.  TODAY.

Image

I have no idea how I finally arrived to today where I can honestly say that my heart and my mind are in complete unison. I can finally say “It is really okay now”.  I had lied then.  To my family, to friends, and of course to myself when I kept on answering “I’m okay” to their every question of “How are you”?.  I had to do it.  For their sake who loved me so much they push me to be okay.  I don’t complain though.  They have good intentions why they do this.

And so today, I can now list down ten or more things to thank the ex.  The list I made is on a paper that I decided not to put on this space though.  

It was a very compelling exercise as I look into my heart and write good things about him.  A smile came across on some numbers.  A sigh on some.  But the most important thing is I had made the list.  I can now truly reply “I am okay” to the every “How are you” I get.

And just like the movies, The End will now roll on the last page of this chapter.

And this is so good.

 

 

 

 

No other reason but to believe.

I almost gave up on this dream. Maybe out of loneliness and boredom, my latest failed relationship, of my being a diabetic, or of social pressure, or I may not be biologically able anymore. And these reasons always gets to me and I always find myself on the lowest of the lowest self esteem level. Yep, on these times, I give up on this dream.

And then I see this Quote by Robert Brault.image

And the re-run of 27 Dresses is playing.

And good friends are tying the knot in the next few months despite everything that’s happening to marriages going on the divorce/separation statistics. So I think marriage and relationship has a bright future.

But I think, the most important reason of holding on to this dream is my capacity to share the love and life I had made. Sure it’s not perfect but I think if I found the one person who will actually find the quirks and complications of my so-called life bearable and even endearing, the dream becoming a reality is most likely.

If I found the one. Out of the billion. Just one. And I know I will find him.

And making this dream come true is one good reason to keep on believing in love, in relationships, in true love, in the one. No one is allowed to burst my bubble.

Dear old love,

I remembered you today. The song you usually sing for me played on the radio while I was driving. It brought memories of you. It’s good to feel that what I remember now are the good times. The happy times.

I’m wondering what you’re up to at this moment. It’s late afternoon of a Saturday. I know you are at the site, busily manning your people to finish what’s needed to be done today – be the finishing of a floor or the awnings that needed to be corrected. I still remember how I felt then every time you show me plans that you made for a certain building or a floor. I smile every time you explain what are those and I often nod as if I understand what you’re telling me though in my mind all I see are lines and lines and numbers! And you smile too knowing that I try hard. Or are you on your way to the monthly dinner/drinks given by your project manager? Or are you at class? Did you finally enroll in that engineering class you’ve always wanted to attend to? Or you’re at the mall? Responsibly sending your family’s allowance for the month. I stare blankly realizing that I will never know the answers anymore. It will all just be wondering.

Just the same, I hope you are well. I hope you sleep well now since you’ve been telling me then that you can’t sleep soundly. We even had a discussion before regarding this since you go to bed much too late when I insisted that you should not wait for your housemates to come home since their work schedules very much differ from you. Just so you can eat dinner together. Are you still going to bed at 1am? I really hope not. I really hope you are taking care of yourself.

I hope you still play basketball and you still run. For you to stay fit. Even if these activities led you much closer to the girl who caused our breakup. Because she was always with you, cheering you or running the course with you. Well, you did stay fit and you got the girl too! Though I heard from Shey that you too broke it off already. After five months! Did I feel vindicated that after you left me to be with this girl, you also didn’t last? Yes, I was. I felt screaming with happiness and shouting “woohoo!” But I never did. I just told Shey that it’s not my business anymore to know what’s going on with your life because truly, I don’t care anymore. Until today. Because of the song.

I hope you are saving more for your future now. You were very eager to come home for good. To be with your kids. To not leave them again.  Because I know they are your priority. I know I made a fuss every time you gave more time to them, when I felt I will always be your second. I gave you a hard time every time your kids are brought up. I know it was childish but I understand it at the end anyway.

I hope you never let go of your plans, one of which is living simply in the province. At a farm, with a a simple house with trees all around it. With some farm animals and a fish pond. Waking up with the sun on the veranda as breakfast is served. The fresh vegetable and the fruits all came from the farm. This was your ultimate dream and I loved it then that I was part of it. Because I love this kind of life too. Simple but complete because we are are together. But now that we are apart, I hope you still hold on to this dream. You have that beautiful smile when you were telling me this and I know that you truly want this and it will make you happiest. So please never let it go. And please forgive me if until now I also hold this plan for me, simple life at the province with someone to grow old with.

I’m happy that I am writing this now. I am very sure though that there’s no way you will read this.  Maybe this is for me too. That I am okay now especially that I mostly remember the happy times we shared.

You will always be that one person who made that one moonless night very special. And the heart will never forget.

I hope life treats you well.