I was at a crossroad the last few days.
Well, two road parallel roads, if there is that. Oh well, I actually was headed to a one way road that leads to a dead end.
Loneliness crept in as I lay down to sleep almost every night. It fed so much negativity in my head until it made me believe that I am not worth of anything, of anyone. Sure, this thought didn’t just popped up. It was the result of the stresses in work(deadlines impossible to meet, a reprimand of an email I sent and a memo about attendance) the lack of rest and sleep, the confusion of an almost relationship ( already ended even before it started), and all the small stuff that needs to be decided or acted upon. It was a hard and stressful week.
Yep, it was this time that I questioned if I am being watched, if God has really a plan for me. And why am I in this dark hole, questioning why I am alone, asking why I have many questions. I was on that.
And writing this now makes me cringe. Why am I asking?
And then, I read this from Joyce Meyer: Promises for Everyday Life – a Daily Devotional –
Hope allows us to leave our unanswered questions in God’s hands; it empowers us to remain at peace, and it enables us to believe that the best is yet to come.
Hope is the opposite of dread, and a close relative of faith. When we have faith in God, it leads to hope, and our outlook on life and the future is positive.
And so, I turned around. Because I have to. No one will do that for me.
Sure, this is not a one day deal. It will take a lot of effort and nudging to stick to being hopeful. But maybe being hopeful is not enough. I know I need to add some more faith, or tons of faith. Faith that God is true to his promises. I just need to learn to be patient, to be more patient. Because I believe He will.
For the meantime, I’ll just kick every time loneliness creeps in. And if having a fabulous pixie haircut and a new red stiletto will do that, then I will oblige.