It was a good kind of weird when I saw the black pair of slippers he gave me the last time we spent a weekend. It made me realize that maybe his part on my story has really had to end on that fateful January afternoon. Crazy right? I was buckling myself up on the car when this happened. And it’s weird. I’ve been pondering on it while driving and minutes had passed that not a thought of why the slippers hit me just like that.
Until I made a curve on the busy street.
He came to let me know that I can do better. Much better. My sister even told me that I deserve the best. Remembering my last few relationships and I saw the pattern of those that I chose to enter my (love) life. Either these men (if they can be called that) are f*cked up in their own odd life, the baggage they are carrying is too much to handle or I am placed on the option mode. The third sucks. Really.
He also came to make me realize that a relationship is made up of two people who chose to work it out despite their differences. The operative word being “chose”. I believe I am a nurturer and it is innate in me that I feel I care more deeply than the other person. That said, I give all. And I give in to what he offers never minding that what he’s doing or contributing is not enough. But, I am giving him the benefit of the doubt that maybe he too did his share of working it out. It’s not just enough (or he is just too weak to resist temptation that he gave in). The friend told me that I should learn to tame my emotions and not give all. To keep something for myself, so that if it doesn’t turn out well, the heart is cushioned even if it’s only as thin as paper.
That a relationship is something to be proud of. Ours is complicated and we decided not to tell everybody just yet. Until we figure it out. And the stress to this kind of relationship is much higher. And the lies I have to put through. As they say, no relationship is worth hiding. If you have to hide it to be happy, it’s not worth having. This is well noted.
And as I go through the moving on and letting go chapter, after the never-ending questions and second guessing, the what ifs, the why not’s, the pros and cons, after I went thru the denial, anger, acceptance and revenge levels, today I chose to know that he is my lesson instead of my forever.
At the church last Sunday, I already made a prayer for him. For him to be happy. And for his family to be happy too. I was surprised after I uttered the prayer. And if only I can take it back. But nah, maybe I had made peace with what happened.
Or better, I had made peace with myself and I am closing this chapter.
And the black slippers? They’ll just be that. A reminder that once upon a time, a prince tried to fit it on me. He never got lucky!