Under the shade but looking through the slivers of sunlight…

Snap. Back to earth Mhy. C’mon.  You can do it.

I’ve been saying that to myself over and over again.  It started yesterday when the memory of the betrayal kept creeping in again.  I thought I already singled it out on mind, carefully putting it on the small box of my mind with a label “warning: do not open, it may worsen and deepen the hurt he caused and will give you a bad day again”.  And yet I’m on it again.  My mind has been tricking me and reminding me over and over again to go to that (un)fateful Monday afternoon of January when I was told pointblank the he had a change of heart.  And that the days following passed by with no memory of what happened because the friend just told me that I had been staring at nothing most of the time and that I’ve not been touching  my food  and just live with coffee and water.  I am now wishing that I can do what they do in the Harry Potter movies where they take out memories out of their mind on a vial and keep it only to be opened thru the Pensieve when they are just ready to re-visit the memory again.  I wish I have that.  I can pay any amount just to have that.

Just last night while driving the tears fell again.  What’s with the 19th and 20th of February that I came crawling back to where I used to be – crying, over analyzing, over thinking, and asking too many questions I have no answer to.  Is it the moon?  Or I am just plain sliding back?  Or I am just dwelling on it and letting myself sink again.

Did I deny myself the process of taking the time to heal because I was in hurry to be okay again?  Am I really too weak to move on?  Or is too stubborn to really help myself to forget and accept the reality that it is over?

It is on these thoughts and questions that I need to cut and snap back.  For my own sake, for my own sanity.  Before I feel unworthy again, which would erupt hours of discussions and arguments with friends (and even with myself) why he is not worth any tears, any more time and any more space.

Snap.  Stop Mhy. Imagine your blue sky and blue sea.  The wind on your face.  The universe is working on your healing.  The starts aligning so that everything will be okay.  Let time be your friend and patience be your ally.  I go to this and some rays of the sun peeks on me.  And with every great effort I put a smile on my sad face.


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