This happens when I am jealous.

I am just jealous of what I see and read on freshly pressed.

How can they write beautiful literature, posts magnificent photos and er…?

And then I went blank.

It is my goal to be on freshly pressed but the variety of what to write these days or even the posts I wrote is just so limited.  Is it because my life is as uneventful? Or my social life can’t really be called social?  Even writing about this is truly hurting me.

What have I done to my so-called life?  And it saddens me that the three decades I am here is like a wasted time.  Am I overly critical?  Or this comes from something deep inside me.  That this is really what’s inside my soul.  That even though I smile, or I answer “I’m okay” to every “how are you” question – I am not really smiling and not really okay and I put this as a front in order not to elicit more pathetic questions.  Pathetic questions like “why are you still single” or to a more blunt “what happened, why are you not married yet” – from family and friends who (I hope) has good intentions even though they asks these questions anyway.  Which by my standards are, or should not, be asked especially if they had been asking these to every reunion I attended – which is every year.  I am actually thinking of not attending any these year.  Maybe they’ll actually miss me or ask another cousin or female relative that falls on the “should you have been married” status.

So what am I saying again?

That I am jealous of what life is to those on freshly pressed.  They have something – and everything – to talk about.  It seems life is full for them.  And that life is more colorful, more eventful, more worthy to be on freshly pressed than what I created for me.  That I am jealous of the things they own, the friends they have, the events they participate in.

So what am I saying again?

That I am engulfed with the green-eyed monster and this is turning to be a bad idea.

Am I saying ( again ) – so what!

Sometimes knowing that I am engulfed with the monster creates a positive thing. (I am writing this portion exactly three days after I finished the above).  The negativity above sucks.  I suck on some days and shine on other days.  The green-eyed monster has left and I hope its forever (plus a day, if there is!)  I am shiny and bright today and my daily mantra of –“I am beautiful and productive, healthy and  happy” worked.  Never mind other people’s eventful calendars, and their literature-worthy posts, and their social activities, and their superb photos.  I will mind what’s in my little corner.  I will nurture and appreciate the little things happening in my life – the decisions I make, the people I worked with, the small circle I call friends, the family I love and the little knick knacks that completes my world.  I will even appreciate the little bumps and humps I meet along the way.

So what I am saying –

Being jealous is a good thing if placed in the right perspective.  I evaluated my life through it.  I realize that what they have may not necessarily make me happy.  That sometimes it is better not to have the things that I think I want. I regain control of what matters most and appreciate even more what I have right now.

Now I am smiling.


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